How To Raise A Strong Girl – A Father’s Point of View
First, Happy Birthday Asha! Gina and I have a toddler who is four years old today. Please wish her a happy birthday below on the blog.
This blog is the result of a question we received on Facebook: “How do you raise strong girls?” I wrote a lengthy response on Facebook and later expounded on the ideas for this blog post. For most of the concepts, we/I employ, our little one does not understand nor does she possess the vocabulary to clearly express herself. However, the goal is to fill her subconscious and conscious mind with great ideas, so she can access them at a later date. Also, as parents, we believe: “one must groom the tree from young, you cannot expect to groom it when it’s a giant oak.”
Additionally, I keep in mind that I am still learning how to parent and I don’t have all the answers. On this particular blog post, I am going to write about how I parent and my beliefs on: “How To Raise a Strong Girl – From A Father’s Point of View.” I believe that in order to raise a strong girl into a strong woman, there is no one right answer, everything we do as parents matters.
ON MARRIAGE
One of our parental goals is to raise mentally strong, socially well-adjusted, and productive children. We believe that if they can see us functioning as a strong unit via. marriage, it can give them solid groundings and cues in emotional health, relationships, confidence, problem-solving, etc. We were taught that children learn primarily from actions and not words, so we strive to be our best selves.
In order to have a strong marriage, we start by first working to better ourselves individually and together as a couple. Mindfulness is important to us; therefore, Gina and I meditate together and separately, as well as with Asha. The reason for this is so that we can become witnesses to our own thoughts and behaviors. Gina and I continue to date each other and actively work on our discrepancies. We have in the past and continue to individually go to therapy. Also, we read self-help books and articles, take notes in our journal, and then discuss the ideas.
We don’t hide our disagreements form our child, we explain why we are disagreeing. We purposely show her our vulnerabilities; similarly, we show affection for each other in front of her.
ON EMPOWERMENT
I believe in more empowerment and less discipline. To make it clear children need discipline as well but I believe in empowering more. One of my personal mottos is: “It is easier for the girl to become a boss if she sees that her mother is a boss.” Therefore, it’s my job to empower both mother and daughter. Here are some examples of how I seek to empower our daughter:
– My daughter and I repeat 70 affirmations, specifically written for her, every time after I read her a bedtime story:
- I am fearless
- I am a critical thinker
– We converse about many topics: weather, love, finances, feelings, music…
– I take her to her mother’s place of work, her mother’s business/office so that she can see her in positions of leadership.
– She is encouraged to converse with and in the presence of adults.
– We introduce her to, talk about, and read about females leaders. For example, there is a piece of artwork of Angela Davis on one of our walls. Who is that I ask? Most time she can’t remember, I explain who Angela Davis is and what she has done.
– Talks about gendered language:
- Her: “Look at the bird he is so cute!”
- Ade: “How you know it’s not a she?” Say “she is so cute!”
– We negotiate. It’s empowering for her to know she has a voice. The truth is sometimes it can be a bit tiring instead of me just taking control.
– Critical thinking: I make her give explanations for her thoughts and actions, I also ask open-ended questions.
– Feelings: I ask for explanations of how she feels and why.
– Experiences: We engage in every experience that we can at home and abroad, even ones that may be a bit risky:
- Street food.
- I let her speak to and interact with strangers while I observe.
– Choices: the ability to choose is empowering.
- Today, what do you want to eat: fish, chicken, or eggs?
- What would you like to wear to school?
–Positive reinforcement when I get actions from her that I am pleased with:
- Good Job!
- High Five!
- I love what you did there.
- Thank you for doing that.
– She is encouraged to figure out little things on her own, its helps with her self confidence.
- Her: “Daddy do it for me.”
- Me: “No, you can do it yourself.”
– I “speak life” into her and I use framing: “when you go to college,” “you are going to be an amazing big sister.”
– Active listening: I have to get better at actively listening to her and actively listening in general.
– I fill our walls with pictures of family members and our immediate family. Research says that children who see themselves & family on their walls in photographs have higher self-esteem.
ON DISCIPLINE
Full transparency in regards to disciplining this particular young lady of mine: I yell and make hollow threats and I put her on time out. Both parents agreed that there are no spankings for her. That’s how my dad handled disciplining me as a child: he yelled and made hollow threats but he never spanked. I’d prefer not to yell but I think that will take me spending a year or two at an ashram. Gina is more patient than I.
– Chores. She has two sets of age-appropriate chores: 1) putting her toys away and 2) taking cardboard and plastic out to the recycle bin.
– Rules: We enforce rules and regulations such as bedtime, nap time, not touching the stove, etc.
– We practice delayed gratification with her wants: You want X, Y, Z? Wait! Do this first or after you wake up, or after you finished your chores or not until tomorrow.
ON COMMUNITY
We cannot do this by yourself, we need a team, and we need cheerleaders as well. We don’t live close to our core group of family and friends, so the guidance of our parents and siblings who had children before us is not readily accessible. So we depend on and access our community via telephone and video chat. Our siblings, parents, and godparents come to visit at least twice a year. They take Asha out to the circus, shows, parks, carnival, doctor visits, etc. I also speak with other parents, my male friends, and I learn many things from them to add to my arsenal.
ON EDUCATION
My toddler and I speak candidly every day and I explain as much as I can. For me, every opportunity is an opportunity to teach her and for me to learn about myself in the process.
– We listen to a cornucopia of music: jazz, rock, country, top 40, hip-hop, reggae, zouk, soca, etc. We love blues and we listen to that on the way to school, which is one of our rituals.
– Both parents read stories to her: children’s books, poetry, photography, pamphlets, internet articles….
– We do word association.
– I talk, I explain, and I explain some more; I am pious, maybe a bit too much.
- “The reason the grass is green is because of chlorophyll.”
- “That’s a backhoe, it’s used for digging up dirt.”
– I use words she doesn’t know and I explain the meanings.
– We both teach her math, science, philosophy, art, and anything we can think of.
– Traveling: gives her a world view and she gets to experience how other cultures live.
– We watch almost everything on television with little censorship and I explain what she is watching.
ON LOVE & AFFECTION
As parents, we developed our own rituals, mottos, and have symbols that are unique to our family. We engage in these rituals often, the symbol(s) are everywhere in our home. Our rationalization is this: many institutions that promote social cohesion use rituals, symbols, and mottos because these things help maintain cohesion among members. Example: we have a symbol that has become our family crest, copies of it is everywhere in our home.
– I speak positively about family in front of her.
– We kiss her, we hug, we apologize to her, we respect her space.
– I remind myself to smile and be warm when she enters the room.
– We dance and play together.
In conclusion, that’s all I could think of, for now; I’ve’ only been a father for four years, as of today. I have much to learn and plan to share some more of my findings in a few years. After reading the above, the logical question would be: “well to what extent are you doing all the above?” To which I would answer. “Am I hitting all these things mentioned above at a 100% rate? The answer is no, I still have personal shortcomings, I am still learning, and I also get tired in the process. The goal is to do a little better than my best.”
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I really enjoyed reading this article; it provided some unique insights I hadn’t considered before. Great job!